On Screen: “The Roses”
The Roses
How many ways can a critic warn: “This picture is absolutely awful?”
Ill-conceived and ineptly scripted, this re-imagining of Warren Adler’s 1981 novel “The War of the Roses” and the 1989 Michael Douglas-Kathleen Turner relationship comedy of the same name, is not technically a remake because so many of the erratic plot points are different.
When we first meet Theo (Benedict Cumberbatch) and Ivy Rose (Olivia Colman), they’re in couple’s counseling, skewering each other with insults, much to the chagrin of their therapist who realizes their relationship simply cannot be saved.
Rewind back to London, where they met. An accomplished architect, Theo’s fed up at a business dinner, so he ducks into the restaurant kitchen where he finds Ivy filleting salmon. After perfunctory introductions, they’re having sex in the walk-in freezer. Ivy wants to become a chef in the United States, so they emigrate together.
Ten years later, they’re married with two kids and living in Mendocino, California. Since Theo’s working on a major museum commission, he buys Ivy a small seafood cafe. But catastrophe strikes when a fierce coastal storm destroys his new building and viral videos of the disaster render him unemployable.
At the same time, Ivy’s restaurant — called We’ve Got Crabs — gets a rave review from a prominent San Francisco food critic stranded by the squall. Humiliated and angry, Theo becomes a house husband, determined to train their kids as athletes.
With her career soaring and his at a standstill, Ivy buys coastal land and bankrolls Theo’s design and construction of a magnificent mansion. It’s his dream house and — for Ivy — he installs Julia Child’s original gas stove in the kitchen.
Problem is: they never stop bickering. Resentment is redolent. And it’s not funny. Dialogue that’s supposed to be amusing — isn’t. Especially when it’s voiced by their friends: Barry (Andy Samberg) and his lusty wife Amy (Kate McKinnon), along with Sally (Zoe Chao) and Rory (Jamie Demetrious). Only Allison Janney captures the concept’s combative essence as Ivy’s astute divorce lawyer.
On the Granger Gauge of 1 to 10, “The Roses” is a thorny 3, playing in theaters.
Susan Granger is a product of Hollywood. Her natural father, S. Sylvan Simon, was a director and producer at M.G.M. and Columbia Pictures. Her adoptive father, Armand Deutsch, produced movies at M.G.M.
As a child, Susan appeared in movies with Abbott & Costello, Red Skelton, Lucille Ball, Margaret O’Brien, and Lassie. She attended Mills College in California, studying journalism with Pierre Salinger, and graduated from the University of Pennsylvania with highest honors in journalism.