The holidays are times of joy and celebration, times when people reunite with family and friends to share food, gifts, and best wishes. For some, it is a way to maintain traditions, involving the people that matter the most to them. Perhaps it is the only time of the year when they can meet to celebrate their accomplishments and enjoy one another.

But the holidays can also be a source of stress for many, who dread to meet with people who may harbor negative emotions towards them, or they cannot tolerate in the circle of family or friends. These can be people who otherwise would not be spending any time together if it would not be for the sake of other members of the family who may be unaware of the conflicts or that may be setting up an opportunity for them to reconnect hoping for a reconciliation.

The obligated family gatherings where there will be the prospect of potentiating family ongoing conflicts can be very stressful to everyone involved, adding to the many reasons they can feel anxious about the holidays.

Even when a person can be resolved not to let their conflicts with others resurface around the dinner table, they can find themselves instantly very triggered by what others do or say (or not) and impulsively let emotions and actions flare now. This can happen more once disinhibited by the alcohol served.

Handling difficult encounters

If you find yourself dreading the thought of having to face a difficult family gathering here are some tips to manage and minimize the risks of these emotionally charged moments and survive these difficult encounters:

1. Accept and commit: Accept that the moment may not be as enjoyable as you have planned, and at the same time commit not to make it worse for yourselves and others in the moment. If you can moderate the conversation with neutrality, intervene quickly and respectfully, reminding others to maintain acceptance for each other’s differences and reorient them to the importance of the occasion and reasons to remain mindful of each other’s words, thoughts, and feelings.
2. Adopt a non-judgmental attitude: Refrain from judgment and taking sides, as much as possible keep the focus on the festive occasion and the significance of all family and friends staying together at the time.
3. Maintain the calm: Model the behavior you would like for them to follow that could deescalate the conflict. Some skills that can aid in calming and slowing our thoughts can include breathing and grounding techniques.
4. Remove children from the occasion, if possible, and lead them to a quiet and safe space where they can be distracted from the conflict until it is calm for them to return.
5. Encourage the argumentative others to remain open to consider extending the olive branch by having that long awaited courageous conversation on another occasion and remind them to tolerate one another during the rest of their time together.

Reconciliation?

How to have the difficult conversation that may result in reconciliation:

If you have been working on resolute of the conflict and feel ready to reach out to the other members of your family or circle of friends, here are some things to keep in mind:

1. Set the date and time right: the holidays are no ordinary times, and the stress of meeting expectations, managing memories, and current challenges many times represent factors that may contribute to less effective conversations. Once you decide to reach out, set the time for another occasion and follow up. If you commit to open the dialog, take it seriously.
2. Prepare: Set up your goals clearly before having the conversation and be prepared to ask for help. Reaching out for help, including professional help, may be instrumental for exploring the tools and skills needed to have the conversation. Sometimes, this may include getting ready to manage emotions before, during, and after the conversation, keep a non-judgmental, open-minded stance, or polish your listening skills.
3. Don’t hesitate to be vulnerable: expect discomfort, remain open to express your truth honestly, stay with the facts, focus on what is important to you and at the same time listen to what is important to the others.
4. Aim for progress, don’t expect resolution: Interpersonal conflicts can be rooted in deep emotions, the conversation, even if it is about your truth, involves other thoughts and feelings too. The conversation may not lead to total resolution or reconciliation, in fact, it may not lead to reconciliation at all. Getting closer to listening and accepting others’ perspectives should be the outcome. In the end, you may agree to disagree and finally accept this fact peacefully.
5. Move on: Even if reconciliation is reached, you may not have received all the validation you expected. On the following days, remember to practice self-care and self-validation and return to focusing on the people, places, and things that bring you joy. Keep grounded in your reality, accept what you cannot change, and focus on what you can.

Dr. Sandra Gomez-Luna is the founder and president of The Family and Recovery Center of Fairfield County, a private practice with offices in Darien, Connecticut and New York City.

Tel: 203.290.2424
Email: contact@drsandragomez-luna.com